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30.04.2008Views 734

Mediaclub Stories: Dreams without actions are plain fantasy

Written by Myza K

You should be glad, you're not in my shoes
I went to bed at two am and after more than two hours spent tossing and turning, I gave up trying. My heavy eyes are just too sore to continue roving beneath my eyelids. These eyes have been wanting to shut and travel to dreamland but this mind of mine, seemed so restless. I felt like I was preoccupied with many things but in all honesty, I don't think I was doing much thinking of anything at all yet slowly, these thoughts are leading me to madness with my sanity seeping down into the ground.

Lately, I find myself thinking a lot about death, my own, to be precise. I've not muster enough courage to mouth this to anyone (and since no one would read a lengthy post with just words and no pictures, I'll blog about it) I don't know how to handle this, It has becoming too frequent and uncontrollable and is somehow ruining my everyday life. And I'm not talking suicides or anything along that line, no no no. This fear isn't something that's within my own control. Death through accidents, mishaps, murders... You know, that kind of death.

I find myself looking twice at everyone I see. Wondering if they have ulterior motives and are going to hurt me. Whether it is safer to take the bus or the train or just flag a cab. Tensing at every other car on the road. Making sure what I put in my mouth is in small pieces and I will not choke. Wondering if the fan above me will fall on me. And wonder if I'll be one of those people who die too young. Every little thing I do, I wondered if it will contribute to my death and knowing that HE has been out for close to a month and had not been caught, does not help either.

I know my life abnormalities are made up of unnecessary randomness but I'm struggling. I'm unable to express how I truly feel but all I know is that I have never ever felt so miserable and lost like this in my life. One glaring difference between me and other kids is that I bother my head too much with worthless stuffs. I swear they don't have a place in my life, It's just that my own paranoia is begging them to stay.

Dreams without actions are plain fantasy
We all have dreams that are images of ourselves we've carried in our pockets all these years, whatever it is. Yours is to be an scientist, his is to be a professional soccer player, hers is to be a teacher, mine is to be on TV. (I know right... sounds so bimbotic) First, I wanted to be an actress, the soap drama kinda actress with melodramatic looks and lines. I even took drama courses way back in primary school.

Then things changed, I wanted to be this big, famous reporter who gets to interview all these famous people and rock stars and gets all the latest scoop and present it as an anchor; the only source that everyone gets their daily updates about everything and anything under the stars and do some writing for a big time magazine as my sideline job. Yeah as you can tell, I dream BIG.

Also, I like to dream about owning my own landed property and having a good husband and kids. I want to be a nice mom who lavished them with the best but not so nice as to let my kids get away with anything and be spoiled. I know this doesn't seem like a very big accomplishment but that's what my dreams were.
And when I get a little older and life gets in the way I've realised that I have to let go of this dream of mine. I exchanged personal freedom and happiness for something more realistic. Slowly, the dream float in the sky like helium balloons. For awhile it hang within my reach but slowly it float higher and drift away, out of my grasp.

Eventually this dream contract into tiny pinpoints on the horizon and then POP! The dream is now gone. I've forfeited my own dream. And now, all I've got to remain optimistic about the whole thing. Who knows, years from now, I could still achieve my dream without taking the path right now? Hopefully, it will still be waiting for me by the time I figured everything out. In the mean time, I shall instill optimism in myself.

I feared reality, I feared changes and what matters the most is, I feared what my future holds. I don't know what to do or how to feel, I feel like I'm trapped by my own thoughts and actions. I know I should start doing something constructive with my life yet I waited for.. something or anything to motivate me and as I continue hanging on this invisible thread, I became a victim of the sly movement of time.

All these emotions and thoughts are urging me to tell it to a pair of ears but no one has time for me anymore. Everyone is busy living their perfect life now that school/ work/NS has come into the picture. I never imagined I would say this, but I somewhat regretted my decision not going to any government post-secondary institutes for my tertiary education and at the same time, missing out on the fun and the best moments of my adolescence years just because my competitive self wants to get a degree faster than my peers.

It's too late for regrets now and life has no time for regrets. Its alright. I'll be fine, no worries. I just need to have a positive outlook on my life, and that's something not easy to do, but hey, I'll fake it till I make it.

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&#160;Written by Myza K You should be glad, you're not in my shoes I went to bed at two am and after more than two hours spent tossing and turning, I gave up trying. My heavy eyes are just too sore to continue roving beneath my eyelids. These eyes have been wanting to shut and travel to dreamland but this mind of mine, seemed so restless. I felt like I was preoccupied with many things but in all honesty, I don't think I was doing much thinking of anything at all yet slowly, these thoughts are leading me to madness with my sanity seeping down into the ground. Lately, I find myself thinking a lot about death, my own, to be precise. I've not muster enough courage to mouth this to anyone (and since no one would read a lengthy post with just words and no pictures, I'll blog about it) I don't know how to handle this, It has becoming too frequent and uncontrollable and is somehow ruining my everyday life. And I'm not talking suicides or anything along that line, no no no. This fear isn't something that's within my own control. Death through accidents, mishaps, murders... You know, that kind of death. I find myself looking twice at everyone I see. Wondering if they have ulterior motives and are going to hurt me. Whether it is safer to take the bus or the train or just flag a cab. Tensing at every other car on the road. Making sure what I put in my mouth is in small pieces and I will not choke. Wondering if the fan above me will fall on me. And wonder if I'll be one of those people who die too young. Every little thing I do, I wondered if it will contribute to my death and knowing that HE has been out for close to a month and had not been caught, does not help either. I know my life abnormalities are made up of unnecessary randomness but I'm struggling. I'm unable to express how I truly feel but all I know is that I have never ever felt so miserable and lost like this in my life. One glaring difference between me and other kids is that I bother my head too much with worthless stuffs. I swear they don't have a place in my life, It's just that my own paranoia is begging them to stay. Dreams without actions are plain fantasy We all have dreams that are images of ourselves we've carried in our pockets all these years, whatever it is. Yours is to be an scientist, his is to be a professional soccer player, hers is to be a teacher, mine is to be on TV. (I know right... sounds so bimbotic) First, I wanted to be an actress, the soap drama kinda actress with melodramatic looks and lines. I even took drama courses way back in primary school. Then things changed, I wanted to be this big, famous reporter who gets to interview all these famous people and rock stars and gets all the latest scoop and present it as an anchor; the only source that everyone gets their daily updates about everything and anything under the stars and do some writing for a big time magazine as my sideline job. Yeah as you can tell, I dream BIG. Also, I like to dream about owning my own landed property and having a good husband and kids. I want to be a nice mom who lavished them with the best but not so nice as to let my kids get away with anything and be spoiled. I know this doesn't seem like a very big accomplishment but that's what my dreams were. And when I get a little older and life gets in the way I've realised that I have to let go of this dream of mine. I exchanged personal freedom and happiness for something more realistic. Slowly, the dream float in the sky like helium balloons. For awhile it hang within my reach but slowly it float higher and drift away, out of my grasp. Eventually this dream contract into tiny pinpoints on the horizon and then POP! The dream is now gone. I've forfeited my own dream. And now, all I've got to remain optimistic about the whole thing. Who knows, years from now, I could still achieve my dream without taking the path right now? Hopefully, it will still be waiting for me by the time I figured everything out. In the mean time, I shall instill optimism in myself. I feared reality, I feared changes and what matters the most is, I feared what my future holds. I don't know what to do or how to feel, I feel like I'm trapped by my own thoughts and actions. I know I should start doing something constructive with my life yet I waited for.. something or anything to motivate me and as I continue hanging on this invisible thread, I became a victim of the sly movement of time. All these emotions and thoughts are urging me to tell it to a pair of ears but no one has time for me anymore. Everyone is busy living their perfect life now that school/ work/NS has come into the picture. I never imagined I would say this, but I somewhat regretted my decision not going to any government post-secondary institutes for my tertiary education and at the same time, missing out on the fun and the best moments of my adolescence years just because my competitive self wants to get a degree faster than my peers. It's too late for regrets now and life has no time for regrets. Its alright. I'll be fine, no worries. I just need to have a positive outlook on my life, and that's something not easy to do, but hey, I'll fake it till I make it. &#160;