Written by: Mitsueki

The general impression, which everyone gets from me, would be, docile, happy-go-lucky, biddable and quiet.

I confess, that is just the outer layer of myself. I am not such a person.

I have told no one of the full extent of the existing problems between the ‘Mum' and me.

However, now I would like to share some of the problems just so I know what I can do to prevent the hatred I have of her growing like a festering wound inside of me.

I come from a family that is made of two people, my ‘Mum' and I.

Honestly speaking, I really don't understand the person who calls herself my ‘Mum'. She isn't my real ‘Mum' anyway.

Being my ‘Mom' doesn't mean that she has the power to control everything I do, this includes scolding me for every, EVERY, MINOR thing I do. I am not saying this because I have a rebellious streak in me.

As mentioned, she thinks she has the power to control me, thus ever since young, everything I do, she monitors and controls me oh so strictly, if I do anything wrong, I naturally will get a scolding. I put up with that for many, many years.

The few friends that I have always asked me, how on earth did I put up with such a parent.

My reply, "Control".

What I actually mean is that I control my emotions and the obscene words when she starts to scold me. I just pretend to ignore her scolding voice and scold her inside my heart, it is due to that, that tiny ball of hatred grows bigger and bigger within me. Everyday, there is no peace in the house.

Just her loud and irritating voice scolding me for doing really ‘lame' things/behavior, which she has the impression that it is wrong. The only time when she shuts her trap is the time where I can find peace and I don't hate her that much.

These two problems are just the main pressing problems existing between both of us. I will not elaborate more on the others because there is just too much to say.

Upon reaching my ‘teenagehood', naturally anyone in my shoes would feel the rebellious streak in him/her growing. It seems like everyone is given more freedom while I have the feeling of being trapped.

This year, my ‘Control' has slipped a lot. I am no longer able to control the voice in me screaming at her with hatred. I have thought of suicide and running away from home just to get away from her but logical thinking have lead me away from those two paths.

I would like to add that I feel lonely. All thanks to her.

I think I am mad sometimes.